GODS GALORE

THE FOUR HORSEMEN

PIMLICO PEOPLE

EXTRACT FROM PIMLICO PEOPLE – THE PARK

The location for this extract from Pimlico People is St James’s Park in Central London.

The reference to Blefuscu and Lilliput are to two islands in Gulliver’s Travels where people are only about six inches
tall. The people of these islands are often in conflict with each other.

Both Iris and Hebe are Greek goddesses. Cerberus is a three-headed dog living in the Underworld. The Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders is a Lilliput army regiment; Rach is also from Lilliput. Finally, Slasher and others are swans living in the park.

As this small armada was making progress, exciting things were beginning to unfold on West Island where four Blefuscu commandos still remained, together with a couple of swans. None of them knew precisely what their role was, other than to be ‘back-up’, so they just rested on the ground expecting to have a quiet time until their comrades returned. They were therefore surprised to hear a paddling noise from the lake and even more surprised when a large black dog with three heads emerged. All these heads had the same face which bore a remarkable resemblance to the Goddess Iris.

The dog raced along the ground towards the commandos. It snarled and growled as it moved at speed, its three mouths spitting out saliva and showing a large number of very sharp teeth. The commandos tried to get up and run, but the dog was on them before they could get away. They were by now all terrified and started to scream.

“Give us a Mars bar or I’ll bite yer bums!” they heard, but it made no difference because the dog decided not to bite their bums; instead, it proceeded to kick them all into the water.

“Help!” screamed one of the commandos. “I cannot make ze swim! Help!”

The two swans were nearby in the lake and, considering themselves pretty tough, didn’t run away, but instead tried to help the commandos. However, the three-headed dog launched itself from the bank and landed on top of one of the swans. It gave the white bird a number of painful bites and used its powerful front paws to thump the swan in all sorts of sensitive places. Eventually, its victim was so battered and bruised the black dog left it floating on the lake.

The other swan by now had decided he wasn’t quite tough enough to take on a manic three-headed dog and had started swimming away. Unfortunately, it was now the next target for the Iris-Cerberus look-alike who, despite being a four-footed canine, could out-swim any of the St James’s Park swans. The dog soon caught up with the fleeing swan, jumped on its back and meted out the same treatment as it had given to its companion. Having left the second swan equally battered and bruised, the dog swam back to the Blefuscu commandos, who were still flailing around in the water. Three sets of jaws each took hold of a commando at the same time and then proceeded to toss them back onto the island. They were soon joined by their final companion as they lay moaning and groaning on the ground. At this stage the three-headed dog turned round and began to swim towards Duck Island.

The next minute a miniature boat arrived at West Island, having travelled along the length of the lake near the north bank. It had a silent motor, specially designed by Rach’s Special Projects team. A number of Argyll and Southern Highlanders disembarked, went over to the four Blefuscu commandos, tied their hands behind their backs while at the same time taping their mouths. They were put into the boat which set off on its return journey, again along the north side of the lake.

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Meanwhile back on the lake, the adjutant and his three commandos were rapidly approaching the south-west corner of Duck Island. The commandos had already taken out a number of hand grenades while the adjutant was readying a bomb to create a Big Boom when Slasher became aware of something in the water approaching him at speed. Suddenly he jerked and let out a honk as he realised he was looking at a giant swan, which was at least five times bigger than him with a neck ten feet high. Interestingly, this swan had the Goddess Hebe’s face, although Slasher would not have been aware of that. He didn’t have time to let out another honk because the giant swan’s head swiped his own, knocking him on his side. He managed to right himself only to find that his adversary didn’t just have webbed feet, but also forearms with bright red boxing gloves which started bashing his head and thumping his body. After a short while the boxing gloves went under his belly and then threw him backwards into the air. When Slasher landed back in the water and his head resurfaced, he found he was due another good beating and bashing until he was left in an even worse condition than his two comrades who’d been attacked by the three-headed dog near West Island.

Slasher’s four Blefuscu commandos had fallen into the water shortly after the altercation with the giant swan had begun. Fortunately, they could all swim, but they did a lot of shouting for help. All their bombs and grenades had also fallen into the lake, so they were now useless, but this didn’t seem to matter. Getting to dry land was their key objective now. Creating a Big Boom at the Lilliput Embassy was no longer high on the agenda.

The other four swans and their commandos behind Slasher were soon aware that matters weren’t going to plan. They tried to move away from the giant swan and turned back towards West Island. However, they didn’t get very far because the giant swan hadn’t taken long to deal with Slasher and began chasing after them. It soon caught up with the two in the rear and gave them both the same treatment it had given Slasher. The other two, who were in the lead for a brief while, thought they’d got away, until one of them was hit very hard by a three-headed dog swimming directly at it with the force of a torpedo. As the swan tried to right itself while it’s four commandos were flailing around in the water, the three-headed dog jumped high into the air. It landed on the back of the final swan, again knocking its commandos into the water before starting to rough up the bird.

While the giant swan and the three-headed dog were having fun beating up Slasher, Spike, Spanka, Scorcher and Smog, the pelicans had stopped chanting “Oggy, Oggy, Oggy” from the lakeside. They got into the water and started looking for the commandos who were splashing around. When they found them, they gently picked the small men up in their beaks and carried them to Duck Island. They were joined by more miniature boats manned by members of the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders as well as the Lilliput Embassy’s security staff. Rach was also hovering overhead on her scooter, shining a powerful torchlight on the lake and calling out whenever she found one of the flailing commandos.

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